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The passing of a childhood friend.
(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5, rated)
Loading ...When the night passed in streams of coffee,
When the cloak of stars held no romance,
The darkness finally gave way to dawn,
Revealing the room now cold and empty.
I awoke early, blind in the darkness.
Trying to recall the look of her face,
Trying to recall the sound of her voice,
Failing for so very long, long a time.
Finally remember a stupid fight
But now her face is graced with a smile.
Is it husband, father in me that feels?
Or just the age proximity touching?
Nights will pass in streams of coffee,
The vault of stars will hold no charted course
And darkness will again give way to dawn,
Revealing a space so cold and empty.
5 Comments
Good work, but lines suddenly become too prosaic e.g. “A phone call from my sister late last night” or even “Finally remember a stupid fight”. In fact, stanzas # 2 and 4 are almost redundant (stanza # 1 , by itself, will make a superb poem.)
Strongly advise a lot of pruning: it will only get better and better.
Looking forward,
Milind
Gion Gion Reply:
April 29th, 2010 at 4:15 am
@Milind,
Milind,
I thought a lot about your comments so I have deleted stanza 2.
As to stanza 4? lines 3&4 I definitely want to retain. Line 1 is real and I wish to keep, line 2 I am uncertain if I have worded it the best way. I’m not sure and the feelings are raw so I don’t wish to change it,
Gion
Very touching. Most of the times, times move on and leave a few scars that resurface at such moments.
Whenever possible I buy blank greeting cards and write my own messages. It always feels good to create from my heart. I believe poetry is all around, in every thing and action and spontaneous speech. Renewed by the human spirit's appreciation of beauty and goodness. There is no unchanging standard that can reside in perfection in books rarely read.
I am a husband and father of 2. Starting to write down before forgetting.
Know what I like when I've read it, trying to get to grips with photography.
Gentleman of leisure, not uneducated, all spelling and grammar errors I lay upon my eyesight.
Though I am unworthy to comment on this poem.. but I am feeling like to express that this poem tells about the harsh reality that usualy we.. just do not care for a person when he/she is alive but when they go away leaving us lonely in an empty room.. then we come to know the value of that person as well as life!
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